I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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