She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
