I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
