You're a womanizer and a bitch.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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