I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
