There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
