Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
