I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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