Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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