i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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