Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So here I am, sexting at work.
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