We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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