wanna go halves on a baby?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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