seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
