my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
