Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
