how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
