How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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