1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
