im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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