oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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