I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
