I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
