Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm going to jail i love you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
