Where is the hickey?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
