you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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