Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
