I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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