i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
As shirtless as possible
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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