And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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