you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
