Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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