i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
