she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
