Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
