you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
