Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
