Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
