you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
