My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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