I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
