I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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