mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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