I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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