dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
