I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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