Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
