her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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