I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
