Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
