Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
