hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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